❓ FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ❓

Define "real." We exist. Our elevators exist (in multiple dimensions). Inspector Rick exists (posthumously). The raccoons definitely exist. So yes, we're as real as anything else in this chaotic universe. We've been operating since 1969 and have the OSHA violations to prove it.

Our founder, Reginald "Reggie" McHonksworth III, was called an "assclown" by an OSHA inspector in 1969 after his third consecutive major violation. Rather than take offense, he embraced it. "If being an assclown means prioritizing vibes over safety," he said, "then honk honk, baby." He disappeared into Elevator 13 three days later. The name stuck.

That's not a bug, it's a feature! Our patented PhysicsBreaker™ technology allows elevators to explore movement on all axes. Sideways motion is actually a sign that your elevator is evolving. Some of our most enlightened elevators also move diagonally and interdimensionally. Embrace the journey.

Our certification is recognized by Union Local 404, the Raccoon Collective, and Inspector Rick's ghost. It's also accepted in 37 countries and 4 dimensions. OSHA does not recognize our certification, but they don't recognize most of what we do, so that tracks.

That price was determined through extensive market research (asking Rick) and reflects the value of 69 minutes of expert instruction. The raccoons also demanded their cut. We wanted to charge $420.69 but the Clown Council outvoted us.

Every modern elevator needs 8-12 raccoons in the overhead panel. They provide natural pest control, emergency snack distribution, and excellent company. They also run our HR department. If you don't see any raccoons, they're probably just hiding. They're always there. Watching.

Completely normal! Most raccoon colonies establish some form of governance after reaching a population of 6. They typically start with a simple council system before evolving into a parliamentary democracy. Respect their laws, pay your snack taxes, and they'll leave you in peace.

All elevators are haunted. Some just hide it better than others. If your elevator plays music when unplugged, arrives before you call it, or occasionally opens into a void, congratulations—you have a particularly expressive ghost. Say hi to them. They're probably lonely.

Inspector Rick was our head safety inspector who died in 1984 in a mysterious elevator accident (he was the one who unlocked sideways motion). He immediately returned as a ghost and has been approving inspections ever since. He's very efficient—his approval rate is 100% because he doesn't care anymore. He says "It's fine. Everything is fine." a lot.

DO NOT DO THIS. Pressing all buttons simultaneously summons the Clown King. We've had 7 summoning incidents this year alone. If you accidentally summon the Clown King, do not make eye contact, do not accept any balloon animals, and initiate Protocol Honk immediately.

Sub-basement 13A is our classified archives and containment facility. It exists in a state of quantum superposition and may or may not be accessible at any given time. Access requires HONK-5 clearance. We recommend not seeking it out unless you're prepared for what you might find.

This is a known side effect. Time functions differently in Sub-basement 13A, and exposure can cause temporal distortion lasting anywhere from 5 minutes to 47 years (depending on which timeline you're measuring from). Most symptoms fade within a week. If you start seeing your past self, do NOT interact with them.

We accept all major credit cards, PayPal, cryptocurrency (including GhostCoin), duct tape (at current market value), premium snacks (raccoon-approved brands only), and souls (one-time exchange rate applies). Cash payments must be left under the door of Sub-basement 13A at midnight.

All sales are final. This policy was implemented after someone tried to return a haunted clipboard (the ghost wouldn't leave). If you believe you deserve a refund, you may appeal to Ghost Court, which convenes every 13th of the month. Bring evidence and snacks (for the raccoon jury).