📜 TERMS OF CHAOS 📜

* Binding status may vary depending on your dimension of origin, vitality status, and whether Inspector Rick feels like enforcing it.

1. ACCEPTANCE OF CHAOS

By accessing, viewing, thinking about, or existing in the same dimension as AssclownElevators.com (hereinafter referred to as "The Circus," "The Shaft," "This Glorious Mess," or "That Thing Rick Made Us Do"), you agree to be bound by these Terms of Chaos, our Privacy Policy, and any rules the raccoons decide to implement without notice.

If you do not agree to these terms, please exit sideways immediately. Note: exiting may not be possible once you have accessed Sub-basement 13A.

2. DEFINITIONS

• "Elevator" - Any vertical, horizontal, diagonal, or interdimensional transportation device operated by Assclown Elevators
• "User" - You, your soul, and any spectral manifestations thereof
• "Rick" - Our eternal (deceased) CEO and safety inspector
• "Raccoon" - Our valued overhead panel tenants and/or board members
• "Honk" - The official unit of measurement for chaos
• "Sideways" - A direction that shouldn't exist but does anyway

3. SERVICE DESCRIPTION

Assclown Elevators provides elevator maintenance, installation, and paranormal management services. Our services may include but are not limited to:

• Application of ClownGrease™ to moving parts (and some non-moving parts)
• Raccoon installation and management
• Ghost appeasement and séance coordination
• Duct tape structural solutions
• Sideways motion calibration
• OSHA violation generation and collection

We make no guarantees that elevators will travel in expected directions, arrive at intended floors, or remain in the same dimension throughout the journey.

4. USER RESPONSIBILITIES

By using our services, you agree to:

• Never mention the word "inspection" after midnight
• Feed any raccoons you encounter within 4 hours
• Accept that sideways motion is a feature, not a bug
• Not hold Inspector Rick responsible for any posthumous advice
• Keep all honking to a reasonable volume (below 120 decibels)
• Submit all complaints in emoji format only

5. LIABILITY LIMITATIONS

Assclown Elevators, Union Local 404, the Raccoon Collective, and Inspector Rick (deceased) shall not be liable for:

• Temporal displacement experienced during elevator travel
• Existential dread caused by floor 13 access
• Missing socks, logic, or souls
• Spontaneous honking lasting more than 4 hours
• Raccoon-related injuries or adoptions
• Hauntings resulting from unpaid séance fees
• Violations of physics, including but not limited to sideways gravity

MAXIMUM LIABILITY: Our total liability shall not exceed the amount you paid us, minus Rick's ghost consultation fees, divided by the number of raccoons involved.

6. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

All content on this site, including but not limited to OSHA violations, clown grease formulas, and Rick's disappointed sighs, are the property of Assclown Elevators, LLC.

The phrase "It's fine. Everything is fine." is trademarked and may not be used to describe any situation that is actually fine.

7. TERMINATION

We reserve the right to terminate your access for any reason, including:

• Disrespecting the raccoons
• Attempting to use elevators for their "intended purpose"
• Reporting us to OSHA (they already know)
• Saying "Rick" three times in a mirror
• Achieving a honk level exceeding our tolerances

Note: Termination may not actually be possible if you have already sold your soul as part of the Union Local 404 membership agreement.

8. GOVERNING LAW

These terms shall be governed by the laws of:

• The State of Confusion
• The Clown Dimension
• Whatever jurisdiction Rick feels like recognizing
• Raccoon Common Law (binding in overhead panels)

Any disputes shall be resolved through mandatory séance arbitration, presided over by Inspector Rick and a jury of 12 raccoons.

9. AMENDMENTS

We may modify these terms at any time by:

• Posting updates to this page
• Whispering changes into the elevator shaft at midnight
• Having Rick manifest them in your dreams
• Raccoon announcement (check your overhead panel)

Your continued use after changes constitutes acceptance, whether or not you were aware of the changes, awake, or in this dimension at the time.

10. CONTACT

For questions about these terms, please contact:

• 📧 [email protected] (monitored by raccoons)
• 👻 Séance: Tuesdays at midnight
• 🦝 Leave a note in any overhead panel
• 📯 Honk three times at Sub-basement 13A

By scrolling this far, you have agreed to these terms approximately 47 times.
Thank you for your cooperation. The raccoons appreciate it.