TOP SECRET

SUB-BASEMENT 13A

CLASSIFIED ARCHIVES

Clearance Level: HONK-5 Required

⚠️ AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY ⚠️ CONTAINMENT PROTOCOLS IN EFFECT ⚠️ AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY ⚠️
TIME UNTIL NEXT INCIDENT: --:--:--
FILE: SB13A-WELCOME-001 DECLASSIFIED: 2023

Welcome to Sub-basement 13A, the deepest level of Assclown Elevators' operational facility. This floor exists in a state of quantum superposition and may or may not be accessible depending on the current phase of the moon, Inspector Rick's mood, and whether the raccoons have completed their daily rituals.

The following documents contain information about entities, incidents, and containment failures that have occurred within our elevator network. Reading these files may cause existential dread, sideways thinking, or spontaneous honking.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

👁️ ENTITY DATABASE

Known paranormal entities encountered within the elevator network. Approach with caution.

👻

INSPECTOR RICK

SAFE

Deceased safety inspector. Generally helpful. Approves everything. Manifests during inspections. Communicates via disappointed sighs.

Status: Cooperative
Last Sighting: Everywhere, constantly

🤡

THE CLOWN KING

KETER

Summoned by pressing all elevator buttons simultaneously. Do NOT make eye contact. Do NOT accept balloon animals.

Status: Contained (mostly)
Last Sighting: REDACTED

🦝

THE RACCOON COLLECTIVE

EUCLID

Hive-mind entity occupying overhead panels. Has formed government. Controls most facility operations. Feed regularly to maintain peace.

Status: In Control
Population: Unknown (growing)

🛗

ELEVATOR 13

KETER

Sentient elevator. Moves between dimensions. Passengers may exit in different time periods. Sometimes arrives before called.

Status: "Operational"
Missing Passengers: 47 (this timeline)

🎵

THE MUSIC

HONK

"Entry of the Gladiators" has achieved sentience. Cannot be stopped. Plays even when systems are off. Growing louder each year.

Status: Eternal
Current Volume: INCREASING

❓

[REDACTED]

KETER

INFORMATION EXPUNGED DO NOT INVESTIGATE FORGET YOU READ THIS

Status: REDACTED
Notes: It knows you're reading this.

📟 LIVE INCIDENT LOG

🎙️ RECOVERED AUDIO LOGS

AUDIO-001: "Rick's Last Recording" Duration: 2:34

"The elevator... it's moving sideways again. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. Tell the raccoons I— [STATIC] —the clown grease, it's everywhere— [HONKING] — it's fine. Everything is fine. DING!"

AUDIO-007: "The Honking" Duration: ∞

[CONTINUOUS HONKING FOR ETERNITY]

AUDIO-013: "Floor 13 Recording" Duration: -3:00

[Recording appears to play backwards] "...ereht er'uoy ,ih ...ereht er'uoy ,ih ...ereht er'uoy ,ih"

DOCUMENT: PROTOCOL-OMEGA-HONK EYES ONLY

EMERGENCY CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES

  1. If Elevator 13 begins moving between dimensions, do not attempt to board.
  2. If the Clown King manifests, initiate Protocol Honk: all personnel must honk simultaneously.
  3. Feed the Raccoon Collective every 4 hours. They become AGGRESSIVE when hungry.
  4. If "Entry of the Gladiators" exceeds 120 decibels, evacuate to Sub-basement 14A (does not exist).
  5. In case of total containment failure, say "Rick" three times and accept your fate.

REMEMBER: IT'S FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

⚠️ EXIT NOTICE ⚠️

By accessing Sub-basement 13A, you have acknowledged that:

  • • Your soul may be used for elevator-related purposes
  • • Time may not function normally upon exit
  • • You may experience spontaneous honking for up to 72 hours
  • • The raccoons now know your name
  • • Inspector Rick will be watching