Professional Vertical Transportation Chaos Since 1969
Our team of certified clowns will lubricate your elevator cables with our proprietary ClownGrease™ formula. Side effects may include spontaneous honking and unexplained laughter.
$420/shaftCan't pass OSHA? Our resident ghost inspector Rick will haunt your elevator paperwork until it "accidentally" approves itself. Results not guaranteed in dimensions 4 and above.
$666/séanceEvery premium elevator needs 8-12 raccoons in the overhead panel. Our trained raccoons provide natural pest control and emergency snack distribution.
$55/raccoonTired of boring elevator music? We'll install our proprietary sound system that only plays "Entry of the Gladiators" on loop. Forever. Even when off.
$333/eternityYour elevator wasn't MEANT to only go up and down. Unlock diagonal, sideways, and interdimensional movement with our patented PhysicsBreaker™ system.
$808/axisReplace your emergency bell with a direct connection to Rick, who will yell "DING!" personally for every floor. Premium users get Rick's disappointed sighs included.
$42/yellCollect 'em all! Trade with friends! Frame them on your wall!
Critical levels of clown grease detected. Squeaking increased by 420%. Honking imminent.
Paranormal entity "Rick" found managing all safety overrides. Unclear if certified.
Elevator exhibiting movement on unauthorized axes. Physics department confused and concerned.
Load-bearing components consist entirely of duct tape and "vibes." Replacement material: more tape.
Overhead panel contains a thriving raccoon community. They have formed a union. We cannot evict.
All floor selection buttons emit honking sounds. Floor 13 nose screams. Users report existential dread.
Join the elite ranks of professionals who have completed our rigorous 69-minute certification program. Learn to ignore safety protocols like a true professional!
Master the art of over-lubrication. Learn why more grease = more better.
Essential séance techniques for negotiating with elevator spirits.
How to maintain healthy relationships with your overhead panel tenants.
Creative paperwork solutions and inspector distraction techniques.
"Ever since I got my Assclown certification, I've been promoted three times. Sure, the elevators I maintain go sideways now, but the passengers seem to enjoy the surprise. 10/10 would violate OSHA again."
"The raccoons installed in my elevator shaft have increased productivity by 404%. They handle all maintenance now. I just feed them and avoid eye contact. This is the future of vertical transportation."
"I've been dead for 47 years but the Assclown team still pays me for inspections. Very flexible work-from-beyond arrangements. The duct tape structural solutions are... creative. I approve everything now."
"My elevator now plays 'Entry of the Gladiators' 24/7, even when unplugged. The residents have formed a support group. The clowns say this is 'working as intended.' I believe them. I have no choice."