Professional Vertical Transportation Chaos Since 1969
Finally, shirts that understand your pain. "Nobody Wants To Work Anymore" - said the guy who hasn't touched a tool in 6 months. "Knowledge Dies With Me" - the journeyman who refuses to train anyone.
$29.99"This Machine Maintained By Someone Who Gives A Shit." "Respect The Shaft." "$51/hr Isn't Enough For This." Slap 'em on your hard hat, toolbox, or the back of that building manager's head.
$4.99+The Helper's Prayer. The Official Training Flowchart. Industry Outlook 2024-2028 (spoiler: it's not good). Print-ready 18x24 files. Hang 'em up. Watch management squirm.
$24.99The Apprentice Survival Kit: everything you need to get through probation without losing your mind or your fingers. 2 shirts + stickers + poster. Builds character. Results may vary.
$59.99This isn't generic "blue collar" bullshit. This is elevator-specific dark comedy from people who've held the flashlight for 8 hours while the journeyman "figured it out."
PricelessThe fictional union that represents all the mechanics who are tired of the bullshit. Membership card says "BENEFITS: The right to work yourself to death while management blames you."
$4.99Because someone had to say it.
27 elevator workers die every year. 17,000 get injured. The counterweight doesn't care about your mortgage. Someone has to give a shit.
Half the workforce retiring in 5 years. 0% of knowledge being transferred. "Figure it out" isn't a training program, but it's all we've got.
Yeah, the money's good. But try explaining that to your widow when the governor fails and they're writing your name on a safety poster.
1,460 days of being treated like dogshit by men who learned from men who all died early. You survived? Congratulations. Now train the next guy.
"Just make it work." Governor's shot. Safeties haven't been tested since Bush. Door operator held together with zip ties. Same callback. Every week.
The fictional union that represents mechanics everywhere. Dues paid. Benefits: The right to work yourself to death while management blames you for everything.
A fictional company that says what every elevator mechanic is thinking. Dark comedy merchandise for the trade that keeps the world moving vertically.
This isn't a real company. It's a love letter to the trade disguised as merch. Protected speech. Comedy that hits because it's true.
Made by people who've held the flashlight. Who've survived probation. Who know why "figure it out" isn't a training program.
27 deaths a year. 17,000 injuries. 50% retiring soon. These numbers are real. Someone has to talk about it.
Every mechanic, helper, and apprentice who's ever been told to "just make it work" on equipment held together with zip ties and prayer.
"I wore the 'Knowledge Dies With Me' shirt to work. Three journeymen got offended. Two others laughed so hard they cried. That's how you know it's accurate."
"Put the Helper's Prayer poster in our break room. The old-timers complained it was 'too real.' The helpers started reciting it before every shift. Management asked us to take it down. We didn't."
"'Just Make It Work' perfectly describes every conversation I've ever had with a building manager. Finally, a shirt that captures my daily existence. My wife doesn't get it. Nobody outside the trade does."
"The 'Survived Probation' shirt arrived the day I turned out. Four years of holding lights, getting screamed at, and being told to 'figure it out.' Worth every penny. This brand gets it."